The Following is a True Story

About a year ago today I am sitting in the Orange County Airport, or John Wayne Airport as it is know to the locals waiting for my plane to start boarding.  I had arrived 35 minutes before I was scheduled to take off, and after the arduous security process, still had 28 minutes before I could get on to my plane.  With nothing to do and with an empty space growing in my stomach, I went to find some food.  I came upon a little deli-type-thing with pre-made  sandwiches and salads and bagels and yogurt and I think you can picture it.  I get myself a small cobb salad and an iced tea and sit down at the bar to eat. 

A man and his wife are behind me in line.  While near them, I could hear them discussing what each other was to get.  The man finally decided on a small cobb salad, and the woman on a turkey and swiss on wheat.  They leave an empty chair between us as they take a seat at the bar.  The man opens his salad and looks at it (yes, the lid was clear, so technically he was looking at it before he opened it).  “wow, this really looks good,” said the man.  “Yes, mine too,” said the woman.  The man takes a bite of his salad.  This is a true account of what happens next:

“Oh my god…(bite)… This is really good.  I mean really good. ..(bite) Sharon.  Sharon have a bite of this.  I mean, just taste this salad…(bite)  Oh my god.  Nice crisp lettuce… (bite)… mmmm…. tomatoes are jucy and ripened perfectly…(bite)… mmmm… oh yeah, the cucumbers are so…(bite)… crunchy and a nice green…(bite)… even the egg is so fresh…(bite)… you know…(bite)… I bet they just boiled this egg not more than 15 minutes ago…(bite)… they had to have…(bite)… mmm theres no way it’s been sitting there all day…(bite… closes his eyes and cocks his head back a little while masticating slowly with deliberate intent)… ya know…(bite)… this may be the best fucking salad I’ve ever had…(bite)… I’m not even kidding…(bite)… the best…(bite)… even the dressing compliments it in a way…(bite)… this is amazing… oh… oh yeah…(bite)…wow…

I dont know if in my entire life I have seen someone enjoy a pre-packaged salad from anywhere so much as this man.  Neither have I ever in my life, heard someone describe what they were eating, with… I swear this guy had to work for the company that makes the salads.  It was amazing.  Not only the salad, but the incredible entertainment that I got out of it.

Have a good weekend.  Make yourself a meal from cratch to enjoy.  Even a salad.  But go all the way.  Get a head of lettuce and chop it up.  add some cherry tomatoes, some cucumber, chopped mushrooms, avacado, scallions, a little oil and red wine vinegar… very delicious.


4 thoughts on “The Following is a True Story

  1. My love of this post was two-fold:

    1) I read the entire salad description aloud as if I was the man. Lemme tell yah…I felt like I really WAS eating the best salad known to man.

    2) I love how you always command something at the end of your posts. I think I WILL go and make myself a delicious salad. With fresh eggs boiled no more than 15 minutes before I eat it, of course.

  2. Wow. This post almost made me actually want to eat a salad… Congratulations.

    Thanks for sharing another instance of the wonderful strangeness that is mankind :-)

  3. After reading this post, I went to the airport. (That wasn’t a cause and effect statement, just a description of a sequence of events.) I searched everywhere for a cobb salad and alas, I found none. I was about to get a delicious looking turkey sandwich, but your salad story inspired me and I ended up with a chicken Caesar. It was by far one of the worst salads I have ever had… The lettuce was watery, the croutons were soggy, and the dressing was bitter. So I am writing to say… thank you for inspiring me to eat soggy lettuce.

  4. Haha, that’s mighty unfortunate, Jamie. But I suppose thus is the fickleness of salad.

    But, yeah, your recommended “make yourself a great salad and be happy” salad sounds amazing, Steven. Mmmm….avacado.

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