I’ve been here before.
The land of anxiety, impatience, unease, and doubt. And it always puts me in the same funk where nothing makes me happy and all I want to do is go places and be by myself.
I turned in my application for CSULB a couple of weeks ago. Both majors I want to pursue, however, are impacted majors. Add that to the outrageous budget cuts, and you have a rejection disaster in the making. I should be angry and upset.
But I’m not. Not really, anyway.
What does it say about me that half of me is hoping that I won’t get in? If they reject me, then it wasn’t my choice not to go. It’s like a kick in the ass to go out and do what I have to do to be successful.
I want to do art. I want to make movies. I want to sing in a small club or coffeehouse. I want to do nothing but use my creative side and get paid for it. That’s what I REALLY want. That’s my ultimate goal in life.
Pursuing a degree to be a teacher has always been the thing that can hold down a job while I go for it.
But I’ll be 24 in 52 days.
When I finish school and get that part of my life started, I will be…27? That’s too old to start the things I really want to do. I feel like I’m too old now. I should have gone for it before. I should have worked harder. I should have stopped screwing around.
A quarter (maybe a third?) of my life has come and gone, and I feel I have nothing to show for it.
So I guess you could say I’m angry and upset.
But sometimes I think I might be more upset about actually getting in than I am about not getting in.
What to do…what to do…