I recognize that tree

I’ve been here before.

The land of anxiety, impatience, unease, and doubt. And it always puts me in the same funk where nothing makes me happy and all I want to do is go places and be by myself.

I turned in my application for CSULB a couple of weeks ago. Both majors I want to pursue, however, are impacted majors. Add that to the outrageous budget cuts, and you have a rejection disaster in the making. I should be angry and upset.

But I’m not. Not really, anyway.

What does it say about me that half of me is hoping that I won’t get in? If they reject me, then it wasn’t my choice not to go. It’s like a kick in the ass to go out and do what I have to do to be successful.

I want to do art. I want to make movies. I want to sing in a small club or coffeehouse. I want to do nothing but use my creative side and get paid for it. That’s what I REALLY want. That’s my ultimate goal in life.

Pursuing a degree to be a teacher has always been the thing that can hold down a job while I go for it.

But I’ll be 24 in 52 days.

When I finish school and get that part of my life started, I will be…27? That’s too old to start the things I really want to do. I feel like I’m too old now. I should have gone for it before. I should have worked harder. I should have stopped screwing around.

A quarter (maybe a third?) of my life has come and gone, and I feel I have nothing to show for it.

So I guess you could say I’m angry and upset.

But sometimes I think I might be more upset about actually getting in than I am about not getting in.

What to do…what to do…


5 thoughts on “I recognize that tree

  1. Artists are fated to a lifetime of learning. You’re never to old. If art was about going to school for 4 years (or more) then making it big then there would be a lot less business majors.

  2. Oh, nonononononono…!!!

    When I finish school and get that part of my life started, I will be…27? That’s too old to start the things I really want to do. I feel like I’m too old now…”

    I just turned 63. In 1990, I was 44. I’d been married and divorced, had lived in Africa, had two graduate degrees and a secure, well-paying, sort-of-prestigious job.

    I started sailing and came to the point where I could either (1) give up a 6 week sail from Hawaii to Alaska or (2) quit said job. I quit. I sailed. I came back and asked, “What am I going to do now?”

    I started my own business. I worked for 18 years. Two years ago I started to blog and then to write. Last week, I received my publisher’s copies of my first “real” writing – anthologized poetry in a real book for sale in real bookstores. I can search Amazon and find myself.

    Everything I’ve done has brought me to this place. You’re never too old, or too young, or too anything. Life, jobs, relationships, school – it’s all going to be grist for your particular mill.

    Go check out my “about” page on my blog. It says it all, and sounds less like a sort-of-lecture from a fussy old lady ;-)

  3. You have no idea how close to home this hits (but you probably do). I’m not in exactly the same predicament, but I’m feeling the same anxiety, unease, doubt, etc. (Saying “etc.” gives me flashbacks of Schroeder saying his favorite word, oddly enough).

    My fear of being rejected by the MFA programs is making me not want to apply in the first place. Because if I get rejected, it’ll probably mean my writing isn’t good enough.

    I love Rae and Shoreacres’ responses. (By the by, you’re such a wonderful lady, Linda, I’m glad I found you.)

  4. Hi, Rachel!

    What a nice way to start the day! And I must say, I’m awfully glad I found you and the other Creeters, too. Lots to learn and enjoy from you all!

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