or: “The Way I Grow Up”
Since the last post was from January, I don’t think that anyone will mind at all that I am posting out of turn. I doubt, also, that anyone reads this blog anymore, if ever they did.
The last two months are a little hazy. I lost two people very dear to me. It is funny to me to say TWO people dear to me, although I really do mean it to each of them in their own way.
Jenni and I split. It was ugly. We were both right to be angry, we both fucked up pretty bad. Some of her things are still here waiting to be moved out. It makes it harder, just because I know it will all be gone soon. I pretty much know what is hers and I am trying to get the table outside cleaned off so that when she comes, she won’t have to be here that much longer. I told her I didn’t want to be here when she got the rest of it; it’s hard for both of us, but mostly I’m thinking about me. I don’t want to see her. I get too angry and I’m trying to lose that part of myself.
I have been using my time not working to do a lot of soul searching. I am broke. I’m using my brother’s computer. A lot of my time is spent gardening, hiking, cooking, playing with my dog, and sometimes just sitting in the sun, closing my eyes, and thinking. A lot of thinking.
When my dad died everything changed for me. It has just become embedded in every thought I have. It makes me sad often, and every once in a while i break down and sob uncontrollably. I have avoided doing it in front of other people so far; it’s rather unbecoming. It has made my mood a little more erratic, but it could have also to do with everything else that is going on. Little by little I am losing my mind, but each instance convinces me that little by little I am just becoming the person I was always meant to be.