Wrong day, right time.

It’s not Thursday, but here I am.

A lot has happened since we’ve last conversed:

I’ve done some a lot of writing. I’ve gained a higher appreciation for poetry than I’ve ever had before. I’d like to share some with you sometime. I sing backup in a band. I love my band. They’ve become my new family. I’ve gained a new best friend. I’ve become more open because of that. I’ve felt slightly liberated because of that. I’ve experimented with life a little more. I’ve become a better student. I got into Long Beach State. I’m now a 49er. I will be doing a little bit of traveling soon. I’m doing some job searching. I’m doing some knowledge searching. I’m doing some soul searching. I’ve surpassed a long-standing romantic hurdle. I’ve had sushi. I’ve been incredibly drunk. I’ve been incredibly sober. I’ve tried, and failed at, meditation. I’ve done more drawing. I’ve become a Coffee Bean snob. Fuck Starbucks and it’s over-processed and over-burned bean. I’ve socialized. I’ve observed. I’ve loved. I’ve hated. I’ve paid tremendous amounts of money to fix a car that’s seemingly unfixable. I’ve become proficient at quick-draws with fake guns. I’ve picked up the trombone again. I’ve been sick when I want to be. I’ve been healthy when I don’t want to be. I’ve cried in the shower. I’ve cried in public. I’ve edited an entire sixty-page thesis. I’m reading Franny and Zooey for the 5th (I think) time. I’ve had a second surgery on my arm. I have the metal plate on a necklace. I’ve had the family blowout of the century. I’ve had some bad news. I’ve had some clear moments of depression. I’ve had some time to think things over. I’ve experienced new levels of sleep deprivation. I’ve mopped a lot of floors. I’ve celebrated on a barstool. I’ve napped in my car. I’ve napped in someone else’s car. I’ve composed some emotionally confessing e-mails. I’ve lost my voice. I’ve swallowed some disgusting concoctions to gain it back. I’ve danced. I’ve fallen. I’ve continued to hate tea. I’ve eaten bananas again. I’ve become slightly obsessed with bananas. I’ve read for hours with the dead. I’ve been proud. I’ve been ashamed.

Most of all, I’ve believed, and will continue to believe, that it was all truly beautiful.

I’ve become a slightly different person.

For the better, I hope.


I recognize that tree

I’ve been here before.

The land of anxiety, impatience, unease, and doubt. And it always puts me in the same funk where nothing makes me happy and all I want to do is go places and be by myself.

I turned in my application for CSULB a couple of weeks ago. Both majors I want to pursue, however, are impacted majors. Add that to the outrageous budget cuts, and you have a rejection disaster in the making. I should be angry and upset.

But I’m not. Not really, anyway.

What does it say about me that half of me is hoping that I won’t get in? If they reject me, then it wasn’t my choice not to go. It’s like a kick in the ass to go out and do what I have to do to be successful.

I want to do art. I want to make movies. I want to sing in a small club or coffeehouse. I want to do nothing but use my creative side and get paid for it. That’s what I REALLY want. That’s my ultimate goal in life.

Pursuing a degree to be a teacher has always been the thing that can hold down a job while I go for it.

But I’ll be 24 in 52 days.

When I finish school and get that part of my life started, I will be…27? That’s too old to start the things I really want to do. I feel like I’m too old now. I should have gone for it before. I should have worked harder. I should have stopped screwing around.

A quarter (maybe a third?) of my life has come and gone, and I feel I have nothing to show for it.

So I guess you could say I’m angry and upset.

But sometimes I think I might be more upset about actually getting in than I am about not getting in.

What to do…what to do…

Tweet this.

I don’t care for Twitter. In fact, I have been known to say that I despise Twitter and the idea of following a celebrity’s (or a friend’s) life to the point where you know they eat tacos without lettuce every third tuesday, or that they, for some reason, don’t like short sleeves (the latter one is real, and is an actual tweet (how I hate that word, unless you’re singing Rockin’ Robin, of course)) from Larry King.

I would like you all to know, however, that I now have a twitter account. I don’t tweet, of course. I’m still highly against being that connected to someone’s everyday goings on. But I have it for awesome stuff like CNN!! I get news updates sent to me because I subscribed to their Twitter! How flippin’ awesome is that?!

If I did twitter, this is probably what the last month of me not posting here would have looked like:

Broke my arm today. Note to self: Do not stand on shallow mat-domes at work.
ER doctor says it’s the ulna, one of the two bones in the wrist.
X-rays are bitchin’.

Arm still hurts. The splint they put me in is really heavy, and now I have to shower with a garbage bag wrapped around it.

Saw the doctor today. He referred me to another doctor that specializes in the upper arm. First doctor says I might have to have surgery.

Saw the other doctor. He gave me the option of a reset of the bone and 8 weeks in two different casts, or surgery with a recovery time of approximately 4 weeks, a likely better outcome, and a gnarly scar. I obviously opted for surgery.

Had pre-op today. I wish they had told me when I got there that I was going to have to pee in a cup. I would have waited to pee instead of going 10 minutes before my name got called, then having to drink 2 bottles of water and waiting an extra 30 minutes and then having to pee 4 other times while I was there. That would have been helpful.

Girl Scout Leadership Retreat this weekend. Kelly’s wedding on Saturday. Busy busy busy. Must take along my pain meds.

Surgery today! Wish me luck!

Surgery went well. I now have a t-shaped titanium plate in my arm. My whole right arm is numb and feels like dead weight. On lots of pain medication. Laura’s here to hang out and get things for me. She’s a great friend.


Got new x-rays of my arm and the plate. I talked the nice lab techs into letting me have a copy for free. Carlos is the bomb.

My arm hurts like a bitch.

School started today. Glad for something to do (since I’ve been out of work since “the incident”), but bummed that I can’t write anything and now have to tote around my very heavy computer.

Stitches came out today. I thought it was going to hurt, but it didn’t hurt at all. No more splint, just a carpel tunnel syndrome wrist brace. Yay for finger mobility! Still not allowed to get it wet, though.

Made a list today of things to do when my arm heals: 1) become an artist 2) decorate and update my calendar and 3) carve at least three pumpkins.
It’s a work in progress, but that’s what I have so far.

I kinda gripped a pencil today! Woot!

Physical therapy today. Got to stick my arm in a whirlpool jacuzzi thing full of warm, disinfecting water. Very nice.
Took a shower today with no garbage bag! Got to clean my arm. Such relief.

Anyhow…sorry it’s been so long since my last post. School…arm…laziness…you know, the norm.

An entire picture diary of “the incident” to come, once it is complete with a healed scar.

Have a great day!
Erinternally broken. Literally.

Fancy some nature?

I don’t. Not normally, anyway.

I can certainly appreciate the beauty of it…but when given the option to spend time in nature, I say nay nay. So when my Girl Scout Troop went to Lake Tahoe a few weeks ago, I was slightly apprehensive. But I had a great time, especially spending hours and hours with the great girls in my troop and my awesome co-leaders.

And then…my whole family (mom, dad, and sister) went camping last week. They asked me if I wanted to go and I said “Nay nay. Nature’s not my thing.” “But you’re a Girl Scout!” my mom said. Pfft. As if that ever meant I had to like nature. I’m glad I didn’t go. Not just because I was alone for four glorious days (oh how I LOVE being alone), but because they went on a 10 mile hike. 10 MILES! Sheesh. I would have napped after one. When I was in Tahoe, we took the smallest trip down to a waterfall, and the second we got there, I was sooo ready to go. So 10 miles would have made me absolutely miserable. Too much nature, for sure.

Trees, however, I love. I can definitely do trees.

Here are some pictures from my Tahoe trip:





And especially for Ruh-chel:


-Erinside is better than outside…unless it’s raining, of course.